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About Me Member Dark Artist Indra-Gora28/Male/United Kingdom Recent Activity Deviant for 9 Months
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The Magician's Garden

Wed Nov 11, 2009, 4:50 PM
In combating myself I can only report one bloody defeat after another. Not even in this respect is fortune willing to smile at me. The week started well with daily quantities of 0.044 and 0.046 which I divided into 3-4 portions. But yesterday and today I reached again that awful vicious circle which is the source of the most shameful remorse. The trouble always starts with not having the strength to wait for my mid-morning stool. Because when I succeed in doing this and the morphine leaves the intestines, then it is followed by a pleasant, all-day-long hunger which can be satisfied with the regular amount. But if the first sin takes place in the morning, still in bed or before the bowel movements, the same amount doesn't work properly, and causes no euphoria. To commit sin, to harm myself without enjoying it, this is the bitter thought tormenting me. If I had a gun near me, at times like this, I would blow my brains out, right away.

What do I do instead? Usually before the time is up, 3–4 hours after the first portion, I take the next one. This usually gives euphoric feelings lasting 20–30 minutes, followed by the most miserable, pitiful low, during which:

1. All human endeavors, industriousness, diligence, work, seem to be ridiculous and only hate-provoking.
2. All talk is tiring and stupid.
3. All plans are unrealizable and terrible.
4. All great, beautiful, and noble things are unattainable and futile.

At times like this I smoke one cigarette after another until I no longer feel the taste of the smoke. I eat oranges till I get tired of them. Disgusted, I play the piano. I wash. Visit Olga. Find life insufferable. I make an effort to entertain her, but I lack the true sexual interest, and, therefore, I am just getting bored there. To make my stay bearable I put in 0.02–0.03 in the toilet, hating it. This is followed after dinner by 0.02, then 0.01 and 0.01 again. The last one under the pretext that it already belongs to tomorrow's portion.... This is an immeasurably loathsome and despicable life. I am so disgusting, weak, and pitiful that I have to wonder why Olga still loves me, and hasn't become unfaithful to me. That my weak and forever veiled voice, my steady staring in the mirror, my cynical and shrunken penis, my drawn face, my witless conversation, my impotent, lazy life, my suspicious behavior, my insolence with which I lengthily disappear into the WC, my stupidity haven't disgusted her yet, for ever and ever. I also think that I stink, because with my sense of smell impaired I can no longer smell the stench of my poorly-wiped asshole or the mouth-odor caused by my rotting teeth.
-Found in Marianna Birnbaum's introduction to The Magician's Garden and Other Stories by Géza Csáth

  • Listening to: Xfm-John kennedy
  • Reading: The Hasheesh eater
  • Eating: Psilocybin

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: 7 Milford Groove
  • Interests: Paranormal-Nature-Cosmos
  • Favourite movie: Viy- Kaidan
  • Favourite genre of music: Psy-trance-dark-mix
  • Favourite artist: Pantrljak-Beksinski-Giger-
  • Favourite poet or writer: Lovrcraft/C.A.Smith-
  • Favourite style of art: Fantasia
  • Skin of choice: Mine
  • Favourite game: Overdose
  • Favourite cartoon character: Bugs and co

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Comments


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:iconindra-gora:
Welcome-It looks so spectacular! Cover of a big black Witchcraft book perhaps haha. Or poster advertising some eventful Pagan festival.

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:iconindra-gora:
Welcome! and thanks in return for the same. ^^

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:iconryanxr1:
Thank you for the fav.

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Ryan L Jones

Ryanxr1@netscape.net

[link]
:iconindra-gora:
your welcome-dont let it go o your head hehe >or i come kick your ass

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:star::juggle::star:
:iconryanxr1:
lol. ...Ok.

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Ryan L Jones

Ryanxr1@netscape.net

[link]
:iconindra-gora:
haha-greatest resply i ever had to such as my words- im in real respect!

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:star::juggle::star:
:iconhorrorrudey:
ahoy there, pals.. just curious where have you going all theese week! i have draw lot stuff, please take a look!

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